So I heard this story from my dad today. (He works in a psych unit)

Two psych nurses are riding the train together, and didn’t bother to get tickets. The ticket inspector appears at the head of the carriage, and one of the nurses starts freaking out.

“He’s going to find out! He’ll kick us off the train!”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan. When I nudge your elbow, start eating that menu.”

The ticket inspector gets closer, and he gives him the nudge. No questions asked, he starts biting into the paper menu.

“Tickets, please.”

“So, funny story. I’m a psych nurse, from (hospital) and I’m just taking this patient on a mental health trip to (destination). But, small problem— he’s eaten our tickets. He’s got a problem with eating any paper he can get his hands on.”

The other nurse looks up, deepthroating the menu.

“Ah. I understand, no problem at all. You guys are doing the lord’s work. Enjoy your trip.”

A friend and I have been talking about starting a podcast for ages. We spend hours talking about movies, weird internet stories, and whatever random thing one of us read that week, so we figured we might as well record some of it. Neither of us expected it to be amazing, but we thought we'd at least have enough material for a decent first episode.

We picked a movie we'd both watched recently, made a few notes, and sat down to record. And for some reason, the second the microphones were on, we both started acting like we were being interviewed for a job. She'd say something like "I found the ending interesting," and instead of responding like a normal person, I'd go, "That's a really great point. Could you elaborate on that?" Who the hell talks to their friends like that? At one point she actually stopped and asked why I was speaking like a customer service representative.

The recording ended up being almost an hour long. I put the audio file into Vomo AI afterward to get a transcript and figure out which parts were worth keeping. Reading through it was painful. We spent about fifteen minutes introducing ourselves, repeatedly explained the premise of a movie we'd both already seen, and somehow managed to disagree about a character without either of us explaining who the character was. There were also several stretches where we just politely agreed with each other until one of us came up with another question.

We tried recording again the next day without any notes or planned questions. Five minutes in, she made fun of the way I pronounce a certain actor's name, I told her she'd been saying it wrong for years, and we spent the next twenty minutes arguing about something completely unrelated to the movie. It was stupid, but at least we sounded like ourselves again.

We still haven't decided whether any of this is worth uploading. Apparently, being able to talk to someone for three hours doesn't mean you can make a podcast together. It just means you're very good at wasting three hours with that particular person.

One time at a party I ended up in conversation with a guy I didn't know. This happens to me occasionally but I'm autistic so small talk isn't really my strong suit. I asked the guy how old he was. He responded that he was 23. In an attempt to relate to him I said "Oh! I used to be 23!" As if that was some unique experience.

Im sitting outside on my back porch, right now. Im kinda bored, smoking my weed and looking at the trees. The sun is really hot on my feet, my chair is in the shade but my feet are roasting in the sunshine. My dog is sleeping in the cool shade not an inch of him is roasting. He's smart. So I copy him and pull my chair to be completely shaded. I go and sit back down, take a puff and look out at the trees again. I see a hornet flying RIGHT towards my face, but then clothes lined mid flight on the spiderweb that has been ever so carefully constructed on the porch railing. He bounces back off the web, turns and flies into the sunshine.

For some reason, I just remembered this. It always makes me emotional when I do for some reason, especially since I recently lost my grandma.

One day, when I was a teen and getting gas for my car, I saw an elderly woman from the back who I thought must be my grandmother as she was wearing the same kind of hat. I said, "Mama!" But when she turned around I realized and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were my grandmother." She said, "I'll be your grandmother!" I kinda chuckled and drove away, but I've always wondered about that moment. Was she lonely or just have a big heart? I sometimes wish I'd struck up a conversation with her.

So there’s this pink 3D printed dragon on the counter and one girl was petting it and was like “I’m gonna call her sugar cube!”

then this boy comes over and sees it and is like “oh hey it’s the dragon that bit me in the butt last week.”

the duality of children lol

I was under the impression my boyfriend wasn't paying attention to me while we were talking and remembered a character in a book saying "and father consented to buy me an elephant" to call out someone not paying attention to her. So I suggested we buy an elephant. His response was "no, no dear, and here is how the recliner controls work." We went from elephants to recliners in one second flat!

I suppose he was actually paying attention to me though. (Also I ought to have paid more attention myself. I can't figure out how to put the footrest down, and I really need to pee! I guess I'll need to request assistance. Edit: apparently I just needed to physically push down. I feel very silly now).

i was leaving a shop earlier and someone was walking out just ahead of me. the door opened and i instinctively said "thank you!"

except the person hadn't held the door, the door was automatic!

the person turned around and looked at me and instead of just laughing it off, i pretended i was talking on the phone but i wasn't even holding my phone (gosh so embarrassed!)

but anyway, apparently i'm polite to doors now

I just came across a photo of Scarlett Johansson while scrolling and I said “RIP” to myself while feeling a little sad. And then I remembered that shes still alive and it’s her MCU character, Natasha Romanov, that’s dead. Not the first time it happened.

I was in the middle of working earlier today when a sudden heavy downpour started outside. The sound of the rain pounding against the metal roofs in our neighborhood was so loud that it completely interrupted my focus.

Instead of getting back to my laptop right away, I grabbed a cup of instant coffee and just stood near the window watching the water flood the street for a bit. The exact sound of heavy rain hitting tin roofs always takes me right back to lazy weekends when I was a kid, back when time felt like it moved a lot slower.

By the time I snapped out of it, my coffee was lukewarm and twenty minutes had passed. I didn't end up accomplishing much during that break, but it ended up being the quietest part of my day.

A few days ago I went grocery shopping and picked up some toothpaste because I was running low. When I got home, I was in a hurry and started putting everything away without really paying attention. Later that evening I went to brush my teeth and couldn't find the new toothpaste anywhere. I checked the bathroom, looked through the shopping bags, and started wondering if I'd somehow left it at the store. For the next three days I kept trying to figure out where it went. Then I opened the nightstand drawer next to my bed to grab something and there it was. My brand new tube of toothpaste, just sitting there like it belonged. Apparently I'd put it away with the rest of my groceries and somehow decided my nightstand was the perfect place for it. I still have absolutely no idea what my brain was doing that day lol.

I don’t eat fast food for the most part, as I didn’t grow up eating it (dietary reasons for my health). Recently, my friend had been taking me to Chick-FiI-A a bunch to get food (keep this in mind for later).

I had just gotten finished with a workout at the gym when I got a call from my friend. He asked me to get him some Chipotle before we hung out (He paid me back, don’t worry). I agreed and went on my way to get his order. I took what I thought was the way to the local Chipotle, parked my car, and went inside. I walk up to the counter and try to place the order. The manager was there and he proceeded to say “That’s Chipotle, which is right down the street. “ I stared for a moment to realize the stupid mistake I had made (operant conditioning at its finest). I walked out of the restaurant and sat for a minute in my car laughing at the whole situation. I went about going to get his food (and ordering something for myself).

I was walking home from work, and I came across some bongos on the curb to be trashed. I figured "why not?" and grabbed them. I made it to right across the street from the bus stop, and the bus was just pulling away. Depending on traffic and if the bus driver sees you, hope wasn't completely lost, so I booked it. I heard a stranger yell "you got this, bongos!"

Spoiler: I did not got this. It was too dark out to be seen by the driver, and weighed down with a backpack and the instrument, it was simply not happening. The next bus wasn't coming for another 15 minutes, so I just walked the 1.5 miles home. It was nice. Perfect evening weather for a walk, and I saved $3 (more if you count the free bongos lol).

I work in a grocery store. I've been in the business for several years now, so I'll help out in any department that's thin.

So I load up a cart of fruit to put out on the sales floor. As I'm rotating the kiwis to put the newest, least ripe ones on the bottom of the stack, I see a bit of spider web clinging to the fruits.

I gently lift the kiwis and find the cutest jumping spider cowering there; fully exposed to the overhead lighting. He was a big one too, black and fuzzy with white markings on his body and legs. He had those big, beady eyes like Lucas.

He was awfully cute, but had he jumped onto me I don't know that I'd be able to control my primal fear response. I didn't want to hurt him, and he certainly posed no threat to anybody here.

So I named him Jeffery Jr and carefully piled kiwis back around him so he could hide in peace. When I looked again this morning, he was gone. Hopefully he found a more peaceful stack of fruit to spend his time in.

i have very busy week probably the most I’ve been out because I work one day a week I just went to the dentist today i go to work tomorrow and I go again Thursday. talk about a week.

REALLY appreciate your jokes. I am feeling better now.. Orginal post : Every time I think about how my parents never really loved me, and how they still try to guilt-trip and control me under the guise of East Asian family values, I just want to cry.
I literally moved all the way to Canada to get away from them, and somehow they still manage to live rent-free in my head.
I cried again today. And I’m already in my 30s. LMAOOOO.
Anyway, does anyone have some absolutely unhinged, dark, messed-up jokes to share?
At this point, I’d rather laugh at something terrible than cry about my childhood again. 😂😭

I regularly take a pail and a grabber and pick up trash in a forest that I live close to. One day a few years ago, a couple kids were messing around climbing trees as I walked by. One of them yelled down at me:

Kid: HEY! What are you doing?

Me: Picking up trash.

Kid: Why are you doing that??

Me: Why does anyone do anything?

The kid was silent for a moment before quietly saying, “I dunno,” and then continuing to ascend the tree. His friend just stared the whole time. I moved on. Sometimes I wonder what became of him, maybe I shaped the next Descartes.

A few weeks back, I was working from office. One evening, I started feeling hungry, but dinner was still about two hours later. So, I headed to the vending machine in our office and got myself a milkshake.

The carton was dispensed but got stuck against the bottom edge of the shelf. Like the carton just stood on an edge that was an mm or less thick. The payment was reversed, and the amount was refunded to me so issues there. However, I couldn't bear that my milkshake was right there and I couldn't have it, just a millimetre away from being mine. So, I selected the same thing again, but this time, the vending machine didn't dispense anything and displayed an error.

I am someone who repels human interaction but still I turned around to look for a staff member who could help, and I saw a man walking out of the pantry area. I went after him but by the time I got out I couldn't see him anywhere.

I thought of reporting the issue at the reception, but I decided against it because I wanted no human interaction, only milkshake. And I had gotten my money back both times so I had nothing to complain about except wanting the milkshake.

An hour later, I went to the pantry area to get some water post dinner and I saw my coworker using the vending machine. I didn't think much of it at the time. I was doing my thing. Then, I hear her walking over to her friend and happily exclaiming that she'd gotten a free milkshake and it was just laying there in the output tray. I lift my head to see her walking away with something that was almost mine</3

I think it was someone before her who must've made the milkshake actually fall in the tray but chose to not take it only to let me see what happens with the stuck milkshake carton that I chose to leave unreported :v

Some friends of mine were getting ready for their gender reveal party and had a big balloon filled with confetti. They were driving it home in their car when the thing suddenly popped. Blue confetti went absolutely everywhere. All over the seats, the floor, pretty much the entire car. Instead of having a nice little reveal at the party, they found out they were having a boy while sitting in a car full of blue confetti lol. They were pretty disappointed at first because the surprise was ruined, but now it's one of those stories we're probably going to remember for years. I'm pretty sure they'll still be finding little blue pieces in that car months from now

When I was in elementary school any time a student was rocking on the back legs of their chair, the teachers would pull out the same cautionary tale.

They’d tell us about a girl who went to that school and she was tipping her chair back when she lost her balance, fell, and gouged out her eye on the corner of the table.

It was a disconcerting story for 6, 7, 8 year olds. Did it stop us? No. Adults come up with things like that all the time to stop you from doing things.

One day my friend and I were playing in the sports court at lunch when two older girls came up to us. I don’t remember exactly how the interaction started.

But I remember that it ended with one of the girls showing us her prosthetic eye and telling us how she’d lost her eye tipping back on her chair.

My friend and I felt like we met a celebrity. No one has believed the story was actually true. The girl was really cool lol (not just because of her eye)! I hope she’s thriving.

I think about her every time I see someone with a prosthetic eye. Or tipping their chair back.

This was in 3rd grade. One of my best friends that would translate for other students that only spoke Spanish was absent, I was the only other English speaking Latino, except with a twist cuz I was solely English speaking, my mom never really spoke Spanish to me long enough for me to get a grasp on the language and less so after starting school since everyone only spoke English, so I didn’t care to learn it.

Bc my friend was absent I end up getting paired up with the girl who only speaks Spanish, and I had to translate whatever we were doing, I had no clue what to do so I just started talking in gibberish and we were both just staring at each other after every sound id make, they weren’t even words. Gosh I still remember the look on her face. I felt bad seeing it and so I tried to figure out what would make her feel better and then I remembered I had some paper with some Spanish on it and so I gave it to her, it was the lyrics of two songs ‘Jar of Hearts by Christina perri’ that my sister wrote down in Spanish and ‘darte un beso by Prince Royce’ I just figured she’d probably be happy to be able to have something in Spanish.

I think it cheered her up but I started running from her whenever she’d look at me or follow me around and I still feel really bad but also really embarrassed. I still feel so bad I would run away cuz I couldn’t face her, cuz it was just so cringey, ugh I’m cringing just thinking abt it. why would I do that. Ik she’s definitely forgotten abt it considering we were 8. But I can’t listen to those songs without the color draining from my face and turning into a shriveled grape cuz it always reminds me of the ridiculous notes I gave her. Sorry to Angelica, wherever you are, I did want to be your friend but I was too embarrassed to face you after that.

So here I was going out for a midnight stroll in the October breeze. My neighborhood is fairly well decorated for the holidays so of course I’m admiring them. My headphones die so I’m stuck there with the sound of wind and branches and shit for like twenty minutes. Next thing I know this seven foot Halloween motion activated animatronic lunges at me and starts hooting and hollering and yelling at me. I screamed like a baby and lost my footing and tripped. The most scared I’ve ever felt in my life.

Little did I know my neighbor was out working on his car in the garage. He saw EVERYTHING. I shouldn’t show my face on this street ever again. I may move.

I was at coffee in the parish hall after church and for some reason, my friend just reaches across the table and grabs my hand with both her hands and just doesn't let go. Minutes go by. I feel pretty chill. Then I hold the hand of the person to my left with my free hand. Literally had nothing to do with the conversation and we've never held hands like that before. I think the people to our right were talking about something that was a little angry? I was too focused, one pair of hands was really warm, the other, clammy. I'm living the life over here. That is all.

We got Bunny about 1.5 years ago from a rescue. She had been there for a year. She's a Pitt & Husky mix, we think about 3 years old. She is great! Very quiet, just the right amount of energy for our household, potty trained, very friendly. 100% happy with our Bunny girl.

We have a spot in the backyard that we named the 'Bunny Zone'. This is where we want her to go outside and do her business. We took her there frequently and gave her lots of encouragement when she did her business there. We installed a doggy door so she could go outside whenever she wanted. We kept up the training until she knew not to go anywhere else. She does consistently do her business while on walks. She gets at least 2 walks a day during the week and more on the weekends.

Now that the stage has been set...

We were having some friends over and Bunny came to me to say hi while I was at the dinner table. I played with her for a bit. She went to my partner, who played with her for a bit. Then she went to each of our friends, who did the same. She sat down. Then repeated the rounds again.

She's usually a very relaxed, chill dog. This behavior was a bit odd. I thought, 'Maybe she needs to go?' Even though the doggy door was there and she had easy access to the backyard and the bunny zone.

I took her outside and she jogged immediately to the Bunny Zone. She really, really, really had to go do #1.

I feel bad for not realizing the signals earlier! 😟

It seems dogs are very literal. We trained her to go to the Bunny Zone to do her business with us there. She will not go #1 or #2 unless we take her.

It's not a bad routine at all. I like walking on the grass barefoot.

More pointlessness: She's getting groomed today. I hope they give her a Halloween themed scarf after.

I went to this halloween event (I was volunteering in a park) and there was this guy who came alone. He had a decent costume and I asked which school he came from. He lives 30 minutes away; we made eye contact many times before he joined my group, who were speaking about controversies in our schools.

I kept including him in the convos because I know what it is like to be on the outskirts of a group. Unfortunately, we got separated for half of the event, but I managed to see him at the end and walked him to the exit; this is where he gave me his contact information. I was pretty jubilant because earlier that day, I was complaining online about the lack of IRL attention I get from men. This brought me some hope, and proved that my self improvement is finally starting to pay off.