Idk how to explain it but it feels like if I don’t keep myself busy then I have nothing. It’s to the point where I only get out of bed to smoke or go buy something to smoke, or go to work or school. Everybody around me just assumes I’m okay cuz I’m high all the time but never ask why I even get high. I get panic attacks, I been a victim to SA so many times as a guy and no one bats an eye. I get victim blamed by my own mom and brother. They say shit like “ you literally do boxing why didn’t you fight back”. I freeze, I don’t what tf to tell you, and I don’t make it better. When I get like this I only know how to cope with drugs or hooking up with strangers that put me in dangerous sexual situations where I can be assaulted again but it’s cuz I feel seen, I feel that little bit of temporary validation or seen by someone. So many days I just get by smoking weed and drinking coffee and not eating anything, I’ve lost 15-18 pounds in only a month or two, I either get no sleep or sleep in half of my days, and people just assume I’m okay cuz I get good grades. They just think I’m just a regular stoner dude but I’m so tired. I’m always tired and irritated and my head hurts all the fucking time, I wanna stop depending on drugs but I don’t ever want to quit. No one has been there for me. On top of all that I’ve had friends and family pass away including my dad with in the span of two years and had a new funeral to go to almost every few months. No one was there for me, so I smoke weed and drink. I drink less now but I can’t stop smoking, it’s the only thing that gets me through the day and if I don’t have it then I don’t what I’ll do. I know I can manage with out it but I’m scared to feel pain and feel the emotions, I don’t have anyone or anything that’ll let me express in a healthy way nor do I have energy for any of it. To be honest I been starting to just dislike talking to new people, or being vulnerable to anyone. I truly think my feelings really don’t mean shit to anyone and I’ve reached out b4 and nothing. People tell me so much to reach out but when you do, YOU get nothing. They don’t want to help you at fucking all, they just say that shit to make themselves feel a bit better, cuz no one actually wants to deal with me when I’m going through shit that’s what I fucking learned, so I smoke weed every fucking day. Which is still better than me drinking myself to death, at least even though I’m dependent on weed I can keep going with my day, it makes everything a bit more easy to handle. Idk why I got on here, I’m honestly just so tired and needed somewhere to rant. My friends see me as a lazy stoner but Ik im more. I’ve always been more than just that but everyday I think maybe they’re right. I’m no longer someone who boxes, I’m not the same guy who used to compete in running, I’m not the same person who competed in pool, I’m not the same anything. I just am able to seem like the same person when I’m high, but once that high dies I’m back to the current me, the me nobody likes much or sees as a stoner. No one ever understands why I smoke, people just wanna judge and make assumptions of me but no one ever asks why. Sometimes I wonder if things would be easier or better if the people who know me didn’t know me , then maybe it’d be easier to do more than just isolate myself from people. Sometimes I just want things to end quick and peacefully and I just idk I just am tired. If I had to choose I’d sleep in my bed all day and smoke, I don’t need people to talk to me or care for me cuz I learned they don’t, no one really does when u feel like ur at ur own rock bottom.

Does anyone know what I can do/take to become emotionally numb and apathetic? I don't want to feel anymore. Just go on with my life. And don't try to dissuade me please. I've made up my mind. Any suggestions?

Can somebody pls message me. I need someone to talk to 😭 im feeling so down, depressed, unworthy 😭

I'm diagnosed major depressive disorder and anxiety for 14 years. Family and I also suspect some form of bipolar. I've been on and off antidepressants since then, and I was successfully living without them for 2 years. Until now?

To put it bluntly, life hit me like a freight train. I was in a car accident and totaled my car, and yesterday I was fired from my new job (after 3 months unemployment) after 3 weeks due to "concerns about me meeting expectations with my limitations". I'm permanently partially disabled, and literally sat a few times a day for 5 minutes at a time that was approved by management, and then they fired me for the same reason. (Before anyone says anything, it's not lawsuit material, since they could argue that the time I missed after my wreck was the cause of termination).

In middle school/high school I had a bad track record of self harm. Whether it was harming my body or starvation. And after this fucked up string of events I can't help but go to that mindset again. I won't be able to pay my bills this month. I'm absolutely lost and completely numb. I've done so well in the past years and don't want a setback. I feel so useless and not good enough. I don't know what to do. I don't have a therapist or a car to even get to therapy appointments if I found one. I don't want to tell my family because they'll want to send me to a hospital. I haven't thought about suicide, but I have thought about harming myself and I'm scared.

i’ve been doing so good with my depression. i’ve been taking my meds every day, not skipping class, interacting with people i never interact with. i’m currently studying abroad with one of my best friends, but i think she’s just making it worse. we are in Italy right now, and only have a week and a half left with each other before we move onto our next places separately. we have had all these plans, like going to Switzerland for a day or just going to the fucking grocery store. but all she does is lay in bed or put everything off till the next day or the next. she uses excuses like “class ended late so i’ll just go tomorrow” and continues to use it every single day. i have found myself not able to leave my bed in turn because with my anxiety, especially in new places, i can’t go anywhere by myself if i haven’t already been there. so i can’t go to the fucking grocery store because i haven’t been there yet. so i find myself constantly waiting for her to make decisions for the both of us, and they never happen. i didn’t eat dinner last night because i don’t have any food, but i can’t go shopping by myself. but i can’t bring this up with her because she’ll think im over reacting and that i just need to get over myself and my anxiety. IT DOESNT JUST WORK LIKE THAT. i have tried. i have tried so hard. but she doesn’t care. i don’t know what to fucking do. i just self harmed after being clean for over a month because of all of this. i’m over everything.

Im 18 and trying to figure out being an adult but recently I've had a random spike in something

I cant really tell if its anxiety or just being super depressed but I haven't been able to get myself to leave the house

I never really listened to my mom about the possibility of being a bit agoraphobic but recently I've just had this dread about going anywhere which is making me feel awful since I'm supposed to start a volunteer opportunity this Saturday but I just feel so gross about going anywhere ive been crying for an hour this has never happened before I dont know how to fix this

This is my first time on Reddit. I want to share that things have been very difficult for me I overcame a drug addiction (I’ve been clean for 15 days), and I have three failed suicide attempts. This 2 day has been one of the best ones of my live, but I relapsed today, and I feel like I’m falling back into the same deep hole that I struggled so hard to climb out of. I haven’t eaten real food in 4 days I’ve been surviving eating cookies and milk. today, I looked in the mirror and felt such disgust that I started eating uncontrollably, only to end up throwing everything back up. This is a cry for help I know what I’m capable of when I’m in this state, and it scares me. With each passing day, I feel less and less in control one of these days, I might not be able to endure all of this anymore.

Like everyone who is passively suicidal, when I get in a car, I hope I never make it to my destination

Sometimes it comes to the forefront of my mind, I focus too much on the barrier in front of me

The door handle starts to look tempting, and every small movement of each warm body in the backseat pisses me off to no end

Today, I’ve been subtly reminded of the lack of connection to myself.

I felt the deepening realization again, that I have shoved back so often

That feeling that tells me nothing I do is really connected to who I am

If it’s not really me, does it matter what happens?

What I do is possibly for my enjoyment, manipulation, and impersonation of a figure I’ve made for the sole purpose of being

Sometimes it’s easier to be something else than to confront reality

It comes back, again, and again, and again.

I’m like a puppet, just for the sake of it. I don’t think I do it on purpose, but what if it’s really that I just don’t care?

I want a house, a home, him. I want him, for him to be happy, for him to get what he wants.

He doesn’t even get to have me for what I really am, but would it be so bad if I just gave him what he wants?

The gentle feeling of being in a passenger seat, staring a little too hard at oncoming traffic. Looking too many times at a crash on the road.

Wanting to feel your legs breaking, to know the feeling of never being able to walk again, a rough over washed sheet in a hospital bed. A tube down your throat, an induced coma, handing your life over to someone else unwillingly.

A buzzing feeling in your forehead telling you for certain whether or not you really want something.

Maybe before the point of impact I’ll know.

Maybe when they pull me out, and they don’t know which pieces belong where.

Maybe in the hospital as a nurse changes my socks.

Maybe if I die on the spot.

They told me everyone has those feelings occasionally.

The urge to pull the handle with your foot on the gas, or to aim for the pole.

But they don’t actually want it. They tell me it gets quieter over time. Mine got louder. I think I do. Not the pain, not the pity, not the attention.

Maybe I just want something to happen.

I feel like this is a result of anxiety and me pressuring myself to the point I shut down and forget. At this point I need to consult a doctor. Its becoming an interference.

It happens in therapy. Everything comes out all jumbled and I can't speak clearly. I feel like I'm lying. When I speak its like things don't make sense. I go blank and shut down. Like I can't grab the words and when I do everything comes out wrong. I feel dissociated. I feel controversial. Its why I have no in person friends. Its why I can't connect.

I forget how to spell simple words and I forget the definitions of them so I constantly have to use google. I'm to the point of using AI to be able to word things at least a little better in person. It feels awful and fake to use AI. Its frustrating. I talk about myself all the time because I never know what to say which is awful for other people. That pushes them away. I don't blame them. Its really awful. Its like a curse.

I've kinda wondered if I've reached a sort of level of mental unhealthiness that I feel better? Like I don't actually feel better, I feel horrible, kinda? I'm not sure really, I feel bad because my body feels bad. I'm having panic attacks, I'm not take care of myself really, i feel so spacey all the time, like I'm not existing in the moment, me and my body are two very different things, and I also feel like I'm not a part of the world around me as well. Like I know I am, I go to work everyday and talk to my coworkers and know I exist but when I think back on anything I've done it feels like a messy dream. It doesn't help that i have autism so I've always felt sort of alienated for the world around me.

But I used to be worse I think? Like I used to be a very angry person, after my dad left and did some other crappie thing, I was very upset. I was taught to never be angry, that it was bad, but i felt like for the first time that I had a fair reason to be angry but it just made everyone upset at me so I guess I just tried to forget about it. I used to s/h but I've been clean for 2 years now. I've had a stable job for a year and I've only called out once because I was so ill they told me not to come in.. i feel like I'm appearing more healthy but I just feel kinda lost.

I haven't gotten a break from just cramp since I was 12 I think. I've been S/A and raped before I was 16, which really messed me up. I don't think I'm really over it but its been so long that I don't think i have time to deal with all that. My mom tired to commit suicide after my dad left, she ended up in the mental ward for a week. My dad doesn't have contact with me, mainly because he ruined any relationship he could have had with me. He just drank himself brain dead every night anyways so not much changed there.

I'm just so tired, I want to feel like I exist, and that good things can happen but with my life and the state of the world which is a whole other story I just have no more hope. I try to act like I do, I tell my friends to have hope, but i can't blame them for giving up. I'm scared and so tired. I just want good things to happen, I know I have to put more effort in to make good things happen but I'm already exhausted, I'm tired of trying to fight for a reason to be positive when everything sucks and my head can't even feel whole with my body.

This isn't a call for help, I'm not going to to anything I'm just so tired and I feel like I don't have someone who could handle all this on top of there own life.

I'll try to be succinct, i usually talk to much.

long story short, my parents suck. both of them are horrible people. not your regular kind of bad people, but the kind that would go above anything or anyone (even if that would go against their "values") if it means they're gonna have it their way. they are going through a divorce right now and my father, who, unlike us, has money for a lawyer, is trying to get the judge to allow him to sell the house we grew up in. half of the money would go to my mom, but her and my 15 yo brother would be homeless

what about me? i live in another city, in the capital of my state, because it's where my college is. my mother uses part of the money my dad sends her to keep me here, but he constantly states to me that he doesn't give a fuck about my studies and if i had to give up and go back to my hometown, is none of his concern. I'm trying to get into a low income students program they have in my college, which would also help me get a job, but they are very strict, so I'm not sure if I'll be accepted. it's really hard to study and focus when I'm not even sure if I'll be here next semester.

my father is going through a mid life crises. he bought a motorcycle (he doesn't even have a license for it) and got a new girlfriend, and she is shit talking a lot in his head about me and my mother, saying we are parasites who only want his money. he cheated on my mom a lot in the past, and she always forgave him.

I'm in a state of constant stress. I'm diagnosed with severe depression ever since i was 12 years old, and with cronic anxiety and agoraphobia since 17. my mom doesn't have a lot of education, I'm the man in the house and i have to constantly help her from afar with legal and technological stuff she doesn't understand. I'm dealing with all my responsibilities from college and from the house i live in, and I'm hanging by a thread. I'm in constant (sorry for repeating this word so much) fear of my mom and brother being homeless, my father threatening me all the time of taking me out of college, apart from other horrible people in my life making it all a living hell. i fell like a deer in the middle of a forest running away from a hunter. my mind is on 24/7, i barely can get any sleep nowadays. anyday now, i could just wake up and realize that everything i have is gone. i have already promised to myself that if the situation ever come to the point of me having to go back to my hometown to work a shitty job and live a shitty life, I'll end it all, because i can't do that, i can't go back, i can't regress.

i don't vent about this with my friends of my boyfriend because if all of this stuff are out of my hands, what could they do? i don't want to make the people i love have to worry about me when they can't even help. i already talked to much, sorry for the long post. I'm just really really goddamn exhausted and i can't take it anymore.

I been imagining myself killing myself. I don't want to die at least I don't think so but I imagine myself dying in multiple ways like jumping off a roof or shooting myself. I think about what I would wear and also how I would look if I shot myself. The blood left on the door, the twitching my body would do and everything. I think about what people would think if I killed myself. Some days I think about it all the times but some days like today I don't think about it has much. This mindset isn't that new. When I was in college about a month ago, I thought about suicide even though I don't truly want to die. Also had this mindset last November where everybody was talking about college and the future. The times where I was up top a building I would just think like "what if I jump?" or if a car pass I would tip toe a lil closer to the passing car.

Honestly, I haven't been that excited about life. I don't want a job, a driver license, don't want to stay inside but don't want to stay outside.I just dropped out of college because the school wasn't a good fit for me but I never wanted to go anyways. I did it to feel better about myself and also my parents. I been in bed most of the times these past 2 days and don't really have that much energy. I struggle looking at myself in the mirror - I just avoid looking. I do enjoy music which is like the only thing I want to do in life. Music is a passion but I don't even practice making it.

I also been getting into existentialism and really leaning to god isn't real and when you die there is nothing. Nothing at all. I sometimes find death as comforting. I don't have a hard life yk. I have loving parents, they own a restaurant and im grateful for them hustling to give me and my siblings a nice life, I get groceries every week from my mom, Im not financially struggling. But death is comforting. The thought that you can check out when you're stress, or when you're frustrated or bored.

So right now I don't know what's wrong with me. thanks for the vent.

if you’re reading this, I hope we can talk to each other one day I hope I can live long enough to see you 

This year has been the worst year of my life. Putting the nicest face every fucking day ughh. it comes to talking about my problems nobody gives a shit that’s what it’s supposed to be but it’s never answering my problems I will eventually recover and go back to my normal solve, but the problem is I’m not even normal. I have a couple disability’s which are ADHD, ASD, Depression, anxiety, I used to have an eating disorder. But seriously though how do I just give up I have a lot of disadvantages keep in mind because today’s society of women want a perfect man not necessarily but you know what I mean there’s some things I cannot change that comes on my genetics for the most part which are my height, I am currently standing at 5,7 , and like I mentioned earlier that I have a disability, I have one face tattoo and a couple visible tattoos that affect so much of what I can do. I tend to be quiet stimulating, especially with my heavy weed addiction in the past it was a lot more than 60m.

I’m going through a really damn hard time in my relationship and moving into a new country.

So if anyone wants to talk, about anything basically, or hear the most insane shit of a fucked up relationship, feel free to DM me here.

Also I’m over 30 years old, so if you’re under 25, this isn’t for you.

tw: suicidal thoughts

i’m (m19) a uni student in germany and wanted to put this into words because people here seem understanding, and i find it hard to talk about this with anyone i know.

i’m attracted to men and also can feel attraction to women, but i can only comfortably imagine a future with a woman. at the same time, i feel like actually falling in love might only happen with a man. i’ve never really had a relationship, and this makes me worry i’ll never experience romance and also the aspect of openly comfortably talking about romance in life. i feel like i can only properly feel romantic feelings towards men. i know there’s nothing wrong with being gay or bi, but i still wish this part of my life was different. imagining myself openly dating a man makes me uncomfortable, and i struggle with being associated with gay stereotypes.

the confusing part is that i don’t think most people around me would reject me. people who’d reject me or actually see me differently and be appalled is my family. it’s more that i hate the idea of them seeing me differently, even if they were accepting. knowing that they’d now think about me differently would make me feel exposed. and now i feel like im running out of time and have to fix this issue of mine asap because the more time goes by the more people get used to this mask i wear and will see me differently when i decide to out myself if i ever do. and that sounds easier said than done, but to me it’s more, they get used to this version of me that isn’t completely me and then they will definitely see me differently once i out myself and try to express myself better.

because of this, i monitor myself a lot. if someone asks why i don’t have a girlfriend or makes a “that’s so gay” comment, i stop reacting naturally and start thinking about how a straight guy would react. then i overthink my answer, their reaction, whether they noticed something, etc. this used to happen mainly around one friend, but now that im in uni i’m scared of it happening with almost anyone. i usually understand what triggered it, but that doesn’t help me stop. and this overthinking that comes along with the self monitoring is so intense, it gets me into a depressive phase. but overthinking doesn’t just happen in these types of situations but in general i overthink so so much. i replay moments in my head and monitor myself and regret. even in situations not regarding my sexuality.

i distance myself from people i actually like because getting closer means more personal conversations. even uni group projects make me anxious because spending more time together could lead to those topics. a friend regularly invites me to things, but i hesitate and barely initiate anything myself. i really enjoy being with her, especially alone, but worry about her bringing others or noticing and commenting on something. i feel like a bad friend, even though i really do want closeness. ever since im in uni, i’m not experiencing any feeling of being excluded because the people i’m surrounded by are so welcoming. but it’s just me isolating myself to protect my mental health and prevent myself getting into a low. and even if this is what prevents me from getting into a low, it’s depressing itself that i have to isolate myself in order to protect myself because i naturally crave social interactions as well. i’m introverted but sometimes i spend so much time alone that i really appreciate moments with people i love and appreciate. especially ever since im in uni, i know there are people who are willing to get to know me but it’s just me keeping a distance and that makes me feel terrible.

sometimes i wish i could start over somewhere where people knew a less guarded version of me from the beginning. my current relationships are real, but i hold so much back. i almost have no contact with my school friends because of this even tho they always welcome me in. changing that now feels uncomfortable because everyone is already used to how i act. i even hesitate to meet new people because i don’t want more people getting used to that version of me. being alone is comforting because i don’t have to monitor myself, but i’m also really happy when people want to spend time with me.

during depressive lows, this gets much worse. i have suicidal thoughts. aside from the usual thoughts, i often think, why was i born this way when all i do is struggle because of this?? if i do, will afterlife really be better? what if i get punished and it’s not a relief after all? i wish i could sacrifice my life to save someone else’s life who would appreciate life and live as they wish for. also during these thoughts, i never open up about them because when im having these thoughts, i don’t want help. my biggest fear is attempting and surviving and living with the consequences. i start thinking, “why am i studying, dancing or taking care of myself if i’m not going to be around anyway?” i can still force myself to do things, and i haven’t stopped loving dancing, but i lose motivation because i can’t imagine a future. people i love and the life i still hope for are part of what holds me back but mostly the fears that i mentioned.
one instance was when my sister noticed something gay on my phone and she didn’t comment but i know she saw it, and that whole night i stayed awake and also tried to scratch my wrist open to numb the pain and maybe bleed out but i knew i couldn’t because she stayed over at my place and i had to suppress those feelings and thoughts.

i’m scared of another low, especially during exams. part of me knows it’ll pass, but then i’ll have to deal with everything i neglected. sometimes i’m already worrying about that while it’s happening, but still can’t make myself care enough to act. being busy distracts me, but once the stress is over, the thoughts come back.

right now i’m not in a low, but that mostly means i’m relieved i don’t feel that bad. i’m still unhappy with how things are. sometimes even feeling really happy makes me uncomfortable because i get less guarded and worry i’ll do something i’ll overthink later. or i start reminding myself of everything that’s still wrong.

and i recently realised that i’m jealous of couples and my siblings being able to experience relationships so naturally. or generally be able to express themselves freely and live life freely especially in the romance /sex aspect of life because it’s the norm. i feel like i’m wasting my youth avoiding things i want. then i feel guilty because i’m financially secure and have so many opportunities, so i question whether i’m spoiled or just too sensitive.

i generally can’t open up about ALL of this at all and therefore i often talk to chatgpt during lows, but feel like i keep repeating myself without getting anywhere. i really can’t imagine this aspect of my life getting better because i cant imagine anything changing. i feel like ill always struggle with this and i dont know how to fix this and live a life im really happy with.

i do want to get better. i can imagine working, dancing and having friends i feel completely comfortable around. i just don’t know how to get there when understanding my thoughts hasn’t made them easier to handle. nobody knows i feel this way and am struggling, and another reason i also isolate myself is because it’s mentally draining for me to suppress these thoughts when i have to act like im completely fine.

i tried my best describing my situation but i know there are many details missing that i can’t think of right now bcs these are already a lot of thoughts i had to squeeze out of myself, since it’s not easy for me to explain many aspects of my mental health since im still figuring it out and can’t explain everything.

does anyone have advice for me?

I’m an adult 30M and I’m going back to school to pursue a career that would hopefully pull me out of poverty and lead to a better life. However, I have to take Anatomy and Physiology 1 & 2 as prerequisites before I can get into the program. I’m currently taking A&P1 and it’s not going well. I’m studying as hard as I can while working full time and it just isn’t enough somehow. I have a 68% in the class with about 5-6 weeks left in semester but I keep bombing quizzes and exams.

If I don’t pass this class, I think that’s it for me. I’m $10,000 in credit card debt on top of my previous student loans ($28,000). I bought a crappy house that needs more work than I can put into it. And there’s the cherry on top of a traumatic and depressing childhood.

I just can’t take it anymore. I try to better myself and pursue a better paying career and it just blows up in my face. Like everything else in life.

All this to say, I’m tired if being alive. If I don’t pass this class, which is likely, I’m just going to take all if my Trazodone and go to sleep forever. I refuse to retake the class after all the time and effort I’ve put in. I just can’t take it anymore.

Ive been having suicidal thoughts for past 2 years.. i thought college will solve it but no..its only making worse.... idk.. ive a have 100's of conversations with chatgpt... and it keeps on telling me I need to tell my parents asap... but how tf do I tell them on call ,in teext, face yo face.... and i dont even have the courage... they will never treat me the same...nothing will be same anymore..... im scared.... i have to tell them b4 i end up doing something to myself... plz help!!!

Ion even know where to begin, honestly. There's so much shit going on in my head that whenever I try to put it into words, I don't know where to start. So I keep everything to myself, make jokes, talk to people, act normal, and let everyone believe I'm doing fine.

People think I have a lot of friends. That I'm cool, social, that I'm somehow the centre of attention. The reality is that I spend almost every evening calling people and asking if they want to hang out because I genuinely don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone. Sometimes I just need another human being around because being alone with my thoughts gets unbearable.

I've been struggling with my mental health for years. It's this constant emptiness, anxiety, loneliness, and feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with my life. I can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone.

A little over a year ago, I lost someone I was attached to for three years. They were Pakistani, and they groomed me. I know what happened was wrong, but I still got attached to them. And before anyone misunderstands, my feelings towards them were entirely platonic. I wasn't in love with them romantically. I just genuinely cared about them and wanted them in my life.

It's been 355 days since I lost them, and I still haven't moved on. I still miss them, and sometimes I hate myself for it. I know what they did was wrong, but understanding that someone hurt you doesn't automatically make you stop missing them. I don't even know how to explain that contradiction to anyone.

I have this horrible habit of becoming attached to people and then desperately seeking their attention and approval. When someone becomes distant, I blame myself. I overthink every interaction and feel like I need to earn my place in their life again. I know it's unhealthy, but knowing that and actually being able to stop are two completely different things.

Things at home aren't good either. I don't feel like I can properly open up to my family about what I'm going through. I was on antidepressants for a while, but my parents made me stop, and now I don't even feel like I have someone I can be completely honest with.

My education is falling apart. I barely study anymore, I don't go to college, and I pretend to study. I know I'm supposed to care about my future, but I can barely get through the present. Sometimes I look at where I am compared to where I thought I'd be, and I feel like I've already ruined my life before I've even had the chance to live it.

Honestly, I hate the society we're expected to live in. I've written about capitalism and how I feel about the world before, but I struggle to see what I'm supposed to look forward to when everything feels like a competition and your worth seems tied to what you achieve.

I've been smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, and drinking. I'm not going to pretend these things fix anything. They don't. But I've reached a point where I don't always know what to do with everything I'm feeling.

The worst part is that I don't think most people in my life realise how bad things actually are. I can laugh with someone, have a good time, and make them think I'm doing great, then go home feeling like I'm falling apart.

I have suicidal thoughts, and I'm tired of pretending they're not there. A part of me desperately wants someone to notice. Someone to look past the jokes and the version of me everyone thinks they know and actually ask if I'm okay, then care enough to listen to the answer.

I don't expect strangers on Reddit to fix my life. I don't even know what I'm expecting by posting this. Maybe I just want to feel heard for once. Maybe I want to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of emptiness, where you understand your problems, recognise your unhealthy patterns, and still feel incapable of changing anything.

I'm tired of carrying everything around in my head. I'm tired of feeling like I have to fight for people's attention just to feel like I matter. I'm tired of knowing I need help and not knowing where to find it.

I don't know how to fix my life right now, but I know I can't keep pretending nothing is wrong.

If you've ever felt like this, or if you've found a way through a period where everything felt hopeless, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing from you. I don't need a lecture or someone telling me to get over it. I just want an honest conversation with people who understand what it's like to struggle with things other people can't see.

I don't know what to do man, I really just want to kill myself and end everything for better. I can't bear it anymore I feel kinda ashamed saying this but I've really reached my breaking point..

I know someone posted something similar here a while ago, and I swear I'm not trying to copy them or farm karma. I'm just genuinely so fucking miserable rn and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to ask for help or how to explain what's going on in my head. I just know that I'm really not okay and I don't think anyone around me actually realises how bad things have gotten. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest because I genuinely have nobody I feel comfortable telling all this to.

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i started highschool in august. my grades currently sit at 2 Fs, 1 D, 3 Cs, 1 B. i’m supposed to be a straight A student. i’m supposed to be super good at math, getting near perfect scores on the algebra and geometry EOC last years. i feel like im about to throw up whenever i think of school now.
like academically im shit in 2 of these classes and they will 100% bring down my gpa, the other 5 don’t give me mercy once i’ve missed a day or let an assignment be late and that’s so my fault but i don’t feel like doing any of that anymore

my mom is pissed and she’s probably gonna take away my phone again.

i hate school so fucking much i have no friends. my bsf from middle school doesn’t give a shit about me anymore. we sit together at lunch. sometimes i consider spending it in the bathroom the whole time just to avoid her and her cross country friends.
she didn’t say any anything about my birthday (which i thought i mentioned enough, talking about getting my drivers permit and all) Which is another fucking thing, my mom wants me to take the class E exam tomorrow after school and it’s just another fucking thing i have to study for and she’s gonna force me to take it and then i have to get pretty for the dmv and fuck it’s so hard to get pretty now.

everytime i walk around in school i feel like a clown with my bun and glasses and dots on my face, my body rolls (Im supposed to be fucking skinny i don’t know why my body does this shit)

halloween soon i was supposed to give out candy with my brother, we were gonna get matching costumes on amazon. But the costumes we were planning to get were chinese so like 20 day shipping. The second he realized he called in for work.
He’d rather go to work than hang out with me and it’s so fucking obvious. he talks so much (or well whenever he’s in the car with me) about how nice and fun his co workers are (part time btw) and like we have a show we watch together. We haven’t been able to watch it in weeks because every single fucking time i ask, he says “no i’m busy sorry” He says it’s school but he’s the only person i have added on discord and i see what he’s playing every fucking night he tells me no. when we plan ahead he suddenly gets sent to work. the last time we watched an episode was for my bday, when my bday plans were ruined and everyone was pitying me and shit.

halloween doesn’t sound fun anymore. the show doesn’t sound fun. i used to love writing and minecraft and god knows how much im dreading ever doing that. school makes me lightheaded. my period starts in time for the weekend.

Like ok i used to have bad thoughts two years ago, when i had no one but my bsf and i had humiliation rituals for classes. i started cutting myself for a few weeks, that was when i cried every night.
and damn it i was so happy this year i was doing better. Like i was having cute moments this august where id be like “Omg look how much i’ve grown 🥹” but ive never wanted to kill myself more than i do now
at least back then i still liked writing. At least i still had a friend at school and a brother at home. and a universal annual pass.

My life is actively falling apart right now and i feel so helpless.

Since I've had my second son, I've been so out of touch, I feel like I'm floating out of my body or in 3rd person all the time. Im missing out on my children, it's already been 1 month of my second son being born and I barley remember because I am constantly out of touch with reality. Everything feels fake, everything feels detached. I love my babies, my oldest will be 4 soon, everything flew by.. I feel like I exist for no reason if my mind is so far gone, lights out but no one has been home. I can't remember where my emotions were actually worth while and exist with purpose

Im a horrible mother, no matter how much I do My emotions aren't there with anyone I love in my life anymore. It Is, but not how I want it. I used to feel genuine emotions. It hurts, I don't know how to tell someone this without them telling me I don't love my children or I don't want them.

I love them, but my emotions I don't know how to feel or get them back anymore. I've been harming myself to feel something but it doesn't feel like anything so I've stopped

I'm currently in therapy but will find more extensive help for whatever this is..

hi, I am 17F.

I’ll first talk about when this began. I was 11 and started watching clips online of some very gruesome films; they fascinated me, gave me a unique pleasure seeing people being murdered, and I loved the sight of blood. I would go round my neighbourhood bashing frozen ice with a tree branch, and pretend I was beating people death.

Since then I’ve had violent thoughts on and off, but when I turned 16 they became obsessive and more elaborate, like fantasies. I began to wonder what it would be like to kill someone, so I started experimenting. I’ve ended the lives of many animals since then, mostly mice, usually by drowning. The first few times it was thrilling, then it changed. Before doing it, I think I would feel bad for the creature, but go ahead with it anyways, and I wouldn’t feel guilty afterwards at all, which I know sounds really weird, like I can feel bad for it but have no shame about actually killing it. Then my feelings changed again; I don’t feel anything now. Torturing and killing something is like brushing my teeth or eating breakfast, just another thing to do y’know.

I struggle to feel empathy, and usually just find it annoying when others cry.

Occasionally I tell myself that I‘ll never hurt anything ever again, and I manage to go a few weeks sticking to that but then I just can’t help myself.

I’ve been cutting (SH) a lot recently, I think just to feel something. I’m really lost on who I want to be or what I want to do with my life. I can’t see into the future, well nobody can, but I mean I have zero vision for where I wanna be in like 20 years for example. It seems like I might as well just end it. I’ve got zero desire to form friendships or get into a relationship. like I said I’m obsessed with violence, the thoughts never go away, yet when I actually do it it’s not very pleasing.

I guess I’d just really like some advice on what the actual fuck to do. I’m lonely and it’s like 2AM. I know y’all will tell me to seek therapy - I will likely do that but in the meantime I need to do something to feel better and be better.